Trudy had asked me at the party why I was always so happy. I have never really been a depressed person. I always try to smile at people when I walk by them, I am extremely happy in my marriage, and for the most part I am pretty optimistic, but not as much as I was before we had kids. As it warned me in my patriarchal blessing my challenges would come in motherhood. I tried to tell everyone that I really am truly and genuinely happy but it was not always so just a few years back. Never once have I been unhappy in my marriage, but motherhood was a whole different ball game!
Kristen wrote me this letter:
Lissette,
I wanted to thank you for hosting and putting together the birthday party last week. It was a lot of fun to sit and talk to sisters that I might not normally every talk to! I had a great time and I think it was put together very well. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your experience as a mother of small kids. When you were asked what your secret was to always being so cheerful, I thought "Yes, I need to know!"
I just wanted to tell you that It was so great to hear that you had struggled as well, and needed help with your kids. Often times it feels like everyone else has the secret to being the perfect mom, or that once you are stuck in a rut you can never get out. One of my goals for the year is to be a better, happier, kinder Mom, and your experience gave me hope that if you (with your seemingly perfect family) struggled once, then there is hope for the rest of us! I really admire your smiley family and your great kids, and just wanted to thank you again for sharing all that, it really did give me hope!
Kristen=
This was my response:
Dear Kristen,
Thank you so much for your e-mail. It brought tears to my eyes to remember going through exactly the same thing you are going through now. It was so hard having to wake up every day to deal with the same things I had dealt with yesterday. I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself "Who are you?" I had never been so sad, angry and disappointed in myself.Before I had kids I was fun, happy, constantly smiling at the wonder and beauty of the world around me. The people I worked with, loved me and thought I was the sweetest thing. And now I was stuck in an awful job with horrible coworkers that didn't appreciate a single sacrifice I made in their behalf. I could never complete any task without it being destroyed minutes later (kitchen, living room or bedrooms). All the things I enjoyed before like cross-stitching, reading, and traveling seemed like they were taken away from me. If I tried reading, it took me months to finish a single book because I was constantly pulled away from it. When I tried to cross-stitch the kids were there on my lap trying to help me but actually messing up my threads, so I had to stop doing it around them. Traveling was super difficult now since we had to do everything times 5. I had nothing left of me but cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, having little sleep and all of it was perpetual-never ending. And all of it was something I didn't want. My aspirations for my life had never been to be a slave.
I too remember praying and going to the temple (for me not very regularly) and praying to My Father In Heaven to please help me be a better mother. One that wasn't so angry at my kids for being kids, one that could genuinely smile and laugh with them without wanting to cry on the inside, one that didn't yell so much and one that was madly IN LOVE WITH THEM. It took a lot longer than I wanted it to but it really did happen. I had a dream where I was struggling to protect Esher from a bad man in our room. I was winning at one point and I knew I was going to be able to save Esher all by myself without anyone's help, but as quickly as the thought came in my head it disappeared. Tristan walked in to our room and the evil man gave me a wicked smile. He knew I could not protect them both and I knew it too. As he went to reach for my beautiful innocent perfect Tristan I knew I needed help, I couldn't do it all by myself. I called on Christ to please help me protect my precious children. As I called out his name the evil man's face changed from total delight to complete and utter fear and poof he disappeared.
I COULD NOT DO IT ALONE!!!! I started with the scriptures. I know everyone says that but it really is the key. I decided to read them slowly and really study them (with study guides to help me understand what was really going on). In every chapter I pictured me and my family. These are real people I was reading about and I wanted to give them credit for living such difficult and courageous lives. For doing the impossible like I felt I was now being asked to do. I would wait until the kids all took naps or were watching some TV show I knew would keep their attention. I would lock myself in the room and just read to see these people's lives unfold. Every one of them with their weaknesses, mistakes, own personalities and strengths facing life's challenges. Challenges that were different than mine but equally as difficult to me. By doing this over time I could see that my anger wasn't so quick to rise. As I filled my heart with love for the stories of the scriptures and an Amazing Father, the anger towards me and my kids had very very little room to grow. My laughter was real and it came from my heart. I started standing up for myself without any guilt. The kids had to learn that I had wants too and they had to respect them, when my door was locked and it wasn't an emergency they simply had to wait and entertain themselves until I was finished with my chapter.
Then I focused on My love, Jared. Having a loving and supportive husband is key #2. I made sure we always had a date night. Every few months we would get someone to take the kids overnight. There is nothing better than sleeping in on Saturday morning or staying up late Friday night. Even if we had no money to go anywhere TIME was all I needed with Jared. Time to remind me of who I really am and who we are together. I could read, cross-stitch, talk without being interrupted or do anything I did before kids. We started a Friday night date group of 4 couples. One couple took turns taking all of the kids from 5-10:30, enough time for dinner and a movie or something else (we love movies). When it was our turn to take the kids it was crazy, but worth the 3 dates I had coming without having to worry about paying a sitter. Once a year we tried to get away for a few days without the kids. We usually went down to Cedar City for The Shakespearean Festival. All of these things helped me remember who I was at one point and who I was going to be again once my kids were older.
Going to the temple is #3. I love the quiet peacefulness of the temple. I could take this time in the temple to see how I was improving and ask for help in the areas that I wasn't. What a wonderful gift we have to be welcomed into his home and have the chance to sit in his living room and tell him how we are really doing and what we are truly feeling. I didn't go very regularly, maybe 3-4 times a year but when I did go I knew it would be a top priority in my life at one point. TIME with My Father In Heaven was crucial during this, but I mostly had to do it through prayer at home. Now that the kids are in school all day I have more time to visit My Father's Home.
As I did these things I slowly could feel a change in my heart. I slowly started to fall in love with my children rather than just love them. I didn't know it but there is a difference. I started to find my true self in the middle of all this yucky housework. It was never perfect so I had to learn to stop expecting it to be perfect. I did what I could but my love for me and my family came first! If it came between time to read my scriptures or time to do the dishes I quickly learned that reading was more important in the long run. As my love grew for my new job and my new coworkers they could feel it too. I always made sure that they understood that whenever I was upset at them for what they did or did not do it never changed how much I loved them, even when they were spanked. It seemed to really bring comfort to them. I demanded respect for me, Jared and their siblings at all times. Many times I would explain to them how to act in a situation that they had just been through and had dealt with horribly. We actually had them act it out at that moment. We are all learning how to work together and some of us need the chance to live it, in order to change it. So, many times we would say and still say to our kids "Okay, now you try it this way." With this opportunity they have become better siblings, better kids and better people.I learned that the house work is ALL our responsibility not just mine. When they are little they might not be able to do much but the point of it is for them TO DO. Later they will get better at what they do so for now they are developing a great foundation so in the future they will do all the things YOU really hate doing without questioning you. :-) It really has been nice!
I truly believe that Satan can destroy generations of families just by negatively influencing ONE mother. Don't expect change quickly. Heavenly Father wants to see your true dedication to this very righteous endeavor- Being A Better Happier Kinder Mother. Don't give up on yourself!! It really will happen and when it does it will be the greatest accomplishment of your life. The love I have for my children, my husband, and myself is what makes my family seem perfect. When there is love deep in your heart you can't help but smile! I will be the first one to tell you and give you many examples of how we are not perfect, but we do have a deep love for each other! Yes, I still yell at my kids, yes, my house is still a mess and yes, I still hate many parts of my job, but my heart is different, my heart is happy. My struggles are different than yours but still just as difficult and real. You have to fight for what is better but, it is sooooo worth it. And the best part of the journey is that the fight will bring you closer to You, Christ, and your Father In Heaven.
With Love,
Lissette
